Navigating Practical Arrangements for Parental Responsibility and talking to your ex

I often get asked… I have separated from my ex and I know we both have Parental Responsibility but I am not sure when I need to consult them? Parental Responsibility and navigating the transition to separated parenting brings up lots of difficult conversations and areas you need to think about. Understanding your legal rights and the practical areas where disputes can arise can make the transition smoother.

What type of things do I need to talk to my ex about for my children after we separate?

You are legally required to share information and consult everyone who has Parental Responsibility about key areas in your children’s lives.

I set out below the general areas which must be considered. It should be noted that when government agencies like social services, the police and domestic support services are involved, or Orders are in place, or there are safeguard concerns the specific requirements can differ. In those instances, it is important to obtain legal advice. For information about your requirements in those instances, check out my blog: What is Parental Responsibility? & When do I need to consult my ex?

You need to consult everyone with Parental Responsibility for the decisions about…

All medical decisions.

Generally, this should include whenever new medication is needed and prescribed by a doctor, or where repeat medicine is needed and given.

So, for minor day-to-day decisions, which do not affect the other parents’ time and do not affect the time overlapping handover of the children, you will likely not need to talk about giving over the counter medicine, or minor home treatments for example. Except, this changes if there are repeat and ongoing minor illnesses, ailments or instances where you have to give medicine regularly and that information should be passed on. For example, if you have a child who has no medical conditions but is needing medicine every week, or for consecutive times they are with you, such as you give a children calpol because they feel sick or have a minor headache every week or fortnight then this information should be shared with the other parent. This allows you both to keep an eye on what may be causing it.

If you know the other parent has particular views on medication or types of treatments you should have a discussion and agree a way forward for how you both consistently address this where practical.

Parents should notify the other if there have been any major accidents or injuries, or there are regular and repeat accidents and injuries during their time with you. For any serious accidents or bumps to the head or where medical treatment informally or formally is given over a cold compress, plaster and cuddle you should be communicating this to the other.

Parents must notify the other at the earliest time of any doctors appointment and treatment and of all hospital attendances.

This is because everyone with Parental Responsibility should have the opportunity to attend and be consulted for all treatments and medical decisions where practical so that both parents can be involved and agree decisions on any treatment and follow up on the treatment during their time if needed.

All schooling decisions.

Parents should pass all information to the other that is passed to them at school. The children’s school should also have a separated parenting policy and pass all information to both parents. This isn’t always the case or practical and parents should agree how this is handled with the other parent and check the arrangements in place with their individual school. Safeguard concerns and Orders in place can set out different requirements.

All upbringing decisions as they arise and all decisions that affect the other parents’ time.

This requirement and exactly what needs to be discussed can change depending on any Order in place with specific requirements related to that. Requirements can also change depending on the family’s specific arrangements and time with the other parent.

Generally, this would include:

Any new activities and hobbies and after school clubs that require commitment on the other parents’ time.

These must be agreed between the parents before commitments are made. This is to enable them to discuss arrangements and costs where needed and so you can both consider the other parents schedule for the children and their own schedule surrounding the best interests of the children.

Any births, major illnesses, deaths and marriages of significant people in the children’s lives or the children spend time with should be communicated.

This is to enable both parents to support the children through any transition and help their understanding of important life events surrounding them. Children may not always feel comfortable raising what can be perceived as embarrassing, emotional, difficult or taboo topics so the other parent knowing what the children are exposed to give both parents the opportunity to have discussions as they naturally come into contact with those difficult life experiences.

Any changes to the main address the children sleep at or any alternative address the children spend regular time at.

This can mean any address they stay at temporarily for consecutive nights of more than a few days, or regular but ad hoc overnight stays at the same place. 

Any proposed introduction to an individual who is or may become a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other to a parent.

Any individual who is to spend significant time with the children and how they are introduced can massively affect a child. How and when they are introduced and how and when they spend time can affect the relationship with the parent who introduces a new partner, and with that new individual long-term. This can lead into adulthood and shape how a child navigates their own relationships. So any introduction needs to be timed carefully and any transition needs to bear in mind the children’s individual understanding of the parents, relationships and what is happening in their life at the time.

Any time there are special occasions or family arrangements that are important to the children that fall on the other parents’ time.

Parents should schedule special events during their own time where practical. This isn’t always possible. Both parents need to be respectful of the children’s wishes and any connection they have to an occasion or event. They should also try to be mindful of the other parents’ views. Parents can reach agreements surrounding special occasions themselves. Most Orders provide for generic special occasions and allow parents to agree alternative arrangements for additional occasions and events that arise.  Having discussions about events and agreeing alterations to arrangements where practical is encouraged especially for events that fall on the others’ time where they have no control of the timing so that the children do not miss out on important opportunities and life experiences.

Any time there is a change in the children’s behaviour, the children’s circumstances or the children appear to feel uncomfortable about something.

Children always communicate when they are uncomfortable about things that bother them, however small the child or issue. Some children are better at communicating this than others. Some can voice this. When they can’t, it comes out in their behaviour. Some parents pick up on this. Where parents have healthy relationships and open reciprocal communication with their children issues can be addressed more efficiently before problems become big. Usually, children confide in one parent more or about different things with each parent. This is more apparent in relationships where there has been any element of abuse and extra care needs to be taken in those instances. Both parents discussing as much as possible helps the child navigate their childhood and the ups and downs of life much easier.

Whenever a child raises a worry or concern, that needs to be respected. This should be discussed with the other parent so both parents can provide support. There may be exceptions to this for example when there are safeguard or potential safeguard concerns or telling the other parent will affect the emotional and psychological needs of the children. The individual needs of the child and the parents’ capability of understanding and addressing this can need careful consideration and different arrangements may be needed surrounding this.

Any time you consider the other parent needs to know something, or something is important to you or the children, you should consider communicating about it.

Generally, you know your child and ex-partner best so discussing the matters important to each of you respectfully is important. This is how you best support your child and the others’ relationship with them throughout your child’s life

Get in touch to find out how we can help you with your questions about the practical arrangements for Parental Responsibility

Please contact Gemma Keats on 07874349555 or by email to see how she can best support you.